a millionth of a be

Here are some of my favourites from a delightfully absurd Glossary to The Ultimate Inferior Beings by Mark Roman.

Einstein Telescope. A clever device, this. It employs the curvature of the telescope, as opposed to the curvature of spacetime, to enable one to see the back of one’s head. It thus obviates the need for impossibly good eyesight and an implausibly long lifespan.

Leading stage reactors. Newton’s Third Law of Motion (action = reaction) often leads to the term ‘leading stage reactors’ being confused with the term ‘leading stage actors’. The reader should note that the two are not the same. Both the spelling and pronunciation are different.

Megalomania. A million lomanias.

Microbe. A millionth of a be.

Million. A thousandth of an on.

Phototriode. Like a photodiode, only bigger.

Snotties. Trade name for a leading brand of tissues. These tissues are probably the toughest ever produced. They are made from a special brand of a tissue-paper first synthesized at the Ruherford Laboratories. The makers claim that it is incredible: if you were to fire a 15-inch shell at a piece of this tissue paper it would come back and hit you.


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